The Expanded Truth About Neon Genesis Evangelion

The Expanded Truth About Neon Genesis Evangelion

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It's been 15 years since the explosion at GAINAX Studios. It has haunted me to this very day. I was only ten years old when it happened. I was walking down the street with my parents and the whole place blew up. I saw their dead expressionless faces. I was only ten, but I knew what had happened. I hadn't figured out what had happened, and it was supposudly due to some show called Neon Genesis Evangelion. I have grown a hatred for the show ever since I found out. Today though, I will find out the truth about Neon Genesis Evangelion! (OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH DAT TITLE NAMING!)

I have spent the last fifteen years of my life trying to solve this mystery. I found a conspiracy site, and I joined in. I found a user who knew a lot about the explosion. I had to meet him though, since his proof was on a vhs tape. I took the tape, and whipped out my old vcr. This was it. My whole life was leading up to this. There was a little bit of fuzz, and then the video started.

The intro started, and I pissed on the screen out of my rage and hate for the show. It probably wasn't a very good idea, because it got on to my Xbox 2, the best console on Earth, and possibly Mars. After I cleaned up, the intro was over, and the show finally began.

It showed Tokyo- 3 and was normal just like the show. Suddenly, out of nowhere, something came out of the sky! It was Asuka! I was weirded out, since she wasn't in her EVA. I continued. Then out of the ground, Rei showed up. She offered a pancake to Asuka, but she threw it to the ground! I knew something was wrong, since WHO IN THE ACTUAL FUCK DOESN'T LIKE PANACAKES!?!? That stinking bitch! Then Asuka revealed her true form! ASUKA WAS ACTUALLY SATAN THE WHOLE TIME! I FUCKING KNEW IT!

Rei realised she was in deep deep shit now. She then whipped out a kazoo, and out popped a giant Skrillex! Together, they were able to pop some sick moves on Asuka! Asuka was ready to turn the tables on them now! Knowing Asuka, she was always full of shit on the show. But this time, SHE REALLY WAS FULL OF SHIT! SHE OPENED HER MOTUH NICE AND WIDE OPEN, AND SHE SPEWED SHIT ALL OVER THE PLACE! SKRILLEX AND REI WERE SURROUNDED BY ASUKA'S MOUTH FECES! The city was completely covered in shit. Luckily, Skrillex had his SICK STEREO SYSTEM! HE WHIPPED OUT HIS SICK ASS SHIT SPEAKERS, AND BLASTED THE SHIT BACK AT ASATAN! ASATAN LOOKED BACK, AND GOT FLOODED BY A WAVE OF BASS BOOSTED SHIT! The shit was on now.

Out of nowhere, a voice said: “YOU ARE MY CINEMA, A HOLLYWOOD TREASURE!” and then Rei started to shake. REI HAD TRANSFORMED INTO A CINEMA! SKRILLEX PICKED UP THEATRE REI, AND HURLED HER AT ASATAN! Asatan lightning kicked her back at Skrillex, but he was too quick and lauched her back. They were in a tennis like state now, launhcing Rei Theatre back and forth. Skrillex then caught her, ending the rally. Asatan then charged her poop attack again, and shot it with even more force than the last! Rei Theare then blocked Skrillex, and sheiled him from Asatan's feces. Then Skrillex picked up Rei Theatre, and loaded her into his speaker system! He then cranked it up high, and lauched her at Asatan! Asatan then was hit so hard, she EXPLODED INTO BLOOD! THE CITY WAS COVERED IN FECES AND BLOOD! IT WAS ALL OVER THE PLACE!

Rei and Skrillex started to pop and drop some sick moves, and of course beats in celebration of beating the devil, lord and prince of darkness, aka Asuka. But there was much more trouble to be a foot! Out from over the hill, and blocking the entire sky, was none other than Shinji's Dad, or GENDO IKARI! The two heroes were shocked at this stunning twist! Gendo then reaches for Rei, and grabs her! HE THEN STARTS TO EAT HER VIOLENTLY! THERE WAS EVEN MORE BLOOD SPLATTERING ALL OVER THE PLACE! IT EVEN HIT THE CAMERA A FEW TIMES! IT WAS HORRIBLE! Gendo then swallowed the now dead Rei Theatre. Skrillex picked up Rei's kazoo to see if anything else could work. It was truly hopeless. He was done for. Then Gendo pulled down his pants, and showed his asshole to Skrillex. He then proceed to stick his finger right into his butthole! His shoving proccedingly went faster, and faster, unitl he removed it! When he did though, a buch of fire and explosions came spewing out of it, and everything blew up!

Shortly after though, my house had blown up! I now knew why GAINAX blew up those long 15 years ago. I was about to pass out, but before I did, all I could see was a bearded man wearing glasses staring at me. I woke up shortly in the hospital. The doctors said I was truly lucky to be alive. I was relieved to know what had happened to my family, and felt as if I were now at peace. I then went to sleep. I then woke up from having a nightmare. The image of Gendo Ikari eating Rei was starting to haunt my dreams. I then heard a thunp. “Who's there?!” I yelled out I could see a tall sillouette staring at me. It then turned on the light, revealing itself to be Gendo Ikari. I knew that my time had come.

The doctors found my body the next morning. They were mesmerized to see my corpse. The only evidence of a killer being there, was a message spelt out in human feces saying: “*Reader's Name Here* IS NEXT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

AND THEN A SKRILLEX POPPED OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!