Mike Matei NES

Mike Matei NES

Being an 80's kid was the best. We had nothing but cheesy one- liner action movies, long haired dudes rocking out, and best of all, we had the Nintendo Entertainment System, better known as the NES. One of the people which some younger generations are watching, have also found out about the NES through watching videos from Cinemassacre. The main owner of this channel was James Rolfe, but there was also a friend of James', and that friend is Mike Matei. I myself was one of the few fans of his reviews, even though I rather much prefered James. One day though, my love for the NES, and Cinemassacre were changed on a strange day.

I got home from work one day, I was so stressed out; I needed something to relieve my stress levels. I remembered about my old NES, and proceeded to look for it. I went to my old pantry, and pulled out my NES, and my stash of games.“Here, lets see, Super Mario Bros, The Legend of Zelda, Blaster Master, oh man which one,” I said to myself. I was going to play some good old Action 52, my all time favorite game, but then the door bell rang. I answered it, and it was one of my old friends, Alfred

. “Um I wish we could have arranged a date to meet, but I remembered you liked NES stuff, so here's a little gift,” He handed me a small wrapped present. “I'm really sorry, I'm quite busy at the moment. I'll see you later,” Alfred ran off. I opened up the small, gift- wrapped item, and it was what I had expected, an NES game. This was no ordinary game though. I thought it was some homebrew that someone made, since it possibly couldn't have been made in the NES times. The title of the game was Mike Matei. It had a picture of Mike smiling, with the Nintendo seal of approval on the bottem with the words “only for NES”.

I laughed, since I liked Mike Matei from Cinemassacre, and just at the pure absurity of someone making a game about someone like Mike Matei. I was wondering what an entire game centered around Mike Matei would be about. I popped it in the NES, and the title screen came up. It said in big letters “MIKE MATEI Press start to yank your balls” I laughed at this title screen, since Mike Matei is famous for making sex jokes. The strange thing is, when I pressed start, I could feel my hand slighty reaching for my balls a little. I thought I subcontiously did this because the screen told me to, somewhat how someone will touch an item with a sign that says DON'T TOUCH or something like that.

Then the gameplay started. It gave a small backstory on how the world was in danger from demons, and how Mike had to stop the invasion. Then I was able to take control of the situation. It showed an 8 bit rendition of Mike in some sort or city. When you used your attack, it shot little dicks from his hand. I laughed again. I was loving this game, as I shot demons using my dicks. After playing the Mega Man like gameplay for a bit, going through platforming sections, I made it to the boss. It was a large 4 armed demon. I easily defeated it after upgrading myself using power ups to shoot green dicks. After he was going to die, it said something: “There's,” And that's all it said before it died. I was curious to know what else it was going to say. Mike was then elevated to the sky by a mysterious red beam of light.

I then procceded to the next level. Now I was in the clouds. Before I could move though, the sky turned red and the clouds turned pink. I didn't think of this as odd, since it was a game about fighting demons after all. Then Mike started to jump on the clouds like trampolines, and continued to slay demons. Then a new character came out. It was the AVGN! “TAKE THIS YOU MOTHER FUCKIN' MOTHER FUCKER MIKE!” The AVGN told Mike as he game him a power up. This time, it was armour....MADE OF DICKS! But I was scared now because the AVGN was shaking. Then James turned into A DEMON!!!! This demon was different from the last boss though. This demon had a massive penis! He tried to hit Mike with it, but I was too quick for that mother fucker! I charged up my male genital ray, and blew his penis right off! “There's....no....” the demon said similarily to the last demon boss. “There's no what?” I thought to myself. I knew now that there was gonna be a message. I had to know this message now that I'd gotten this far. Then it went to a cutscene of Mike going up to another demon, and was charging his penis ray up. Suddenly, the demon shot Mike as he jumped away from the clouds! Mike had died. I thought it was the ending of the game. The screen went black for a second, showing Mike Falling down. Mike had landed up in Hell!

Evil laughing could be heard in the distance as he went through the level. The graphics were also starting to change. They were much more graphic than the rest of the game had been. There were corpses chained to the wall, and heads on pikes. Nothing you wouldn't expect from a Hell level wasn't there luckily. This time though, the level was a maze similar to Metroid. I was getting frusterated. I also had felt something odd. I was getting warmer, and warmer the longer I stayed in the level. Something was not right here, I was positive because something was odd in here. Then skeletons started to chase me down the maze! I tried to launch my dicks at them, but they would only go right through them! I was sweating heavily as I used my adrenaline rush to get out of the hallways of the labrynth. I finally made it out with barely enough health left.

The next level was odd as well. It was a cutscene of Mike approaching a big scary looking demon. Before he was going to obliterate it though, JAMES BUSTED OUT OF ITS CHEST AND SLAYED IT!!! “STOP GRABBING MY BALLS!” James said as he handed Mike a red gun. “Who's the mother fucker now mother fucker,” James said as he and Mike went down the hall to fight more demons. I was pleasently surprised to find that red guns, were actually from Crossfire! “YEAH CROSSFIRE MOTHER FUCKERS!” I yelled at the T.V.

My body trembled and shook at the sight of the next section. The graphics were getting shittier. The backrounds had turned into dicks and stuff like that. Before I was laughing, but I ain't laughing now. I knew at that very moment that this game was pure evil. I had finally made it to the end boss fight! This time, it was a large, dinosaur like demon. This boss was much much MUUUUUUUUUCH more different from the last bosses though, since this one spoke to me! “I'M GOING TO YANK ON YOUR BALLS NOW MOTHERFUCKER!” It shouted at me.I was able to re gain control of my hand, and started to kick its ass now! It sure was hard, since he was immune to my dick attacks. He made one swing, and my dick armour had been penetrated! I found that the secret was to jump on his tounge when he lunged out to french me and James, and I launched the dicks into its mouth. “THAT'S IT! LETS SEE HOW YOU LIKE DICKS IN YOUR MOUTH!” It spoke to me!

Suddenly, my hand started moving on its own! It went straight for my genetelia! “AAAAAAAAARRRRRGH!” I yelped as my hand procceeded to squeeze on my balls! “TRY AND BEAT ME NOW AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!” The demon boss mocked me. I felt my head swing down unnaturally to my crotch area now! I had to beat him before he made me give myself auto felatio!

“C'MON MIKE! SHOVE IT DOWN HIS TURBO TUNNEL NOW!” James' text bubble read out. Out of nowhere, AVGN pulled something out of his pants! I was releived that it wasn't his dick, but instead, it was ANOTHER DICK! My mouth was un-doing my pants, and was almost at my balls. I picked up the dick, and launched it at the demon when he was laughing.

After he had swallolled that dick like the champ he was, he exploded into BLOOD AND GUTS EVERYWHERE! “There's..... no.......” The demon muttered. I was ready to find out the final part of the message! I was dissapointed though, to find out that it was only scratches. Then the two sprites went back up to the surface, to see that everything was back to normal now. “CONGLATURATION! YOU'RE WINNER!” Was the ending screen showed up before returning to the title screen. Luckily, I was able to break free right after my underpants were ripped off, before I swallowed my own penis and testicles.

“Wow, well that was a shitty ending,” I said to myself as I turned off my NES, and burried the game cartridge. “Well now, I need to take a shit,” I murmured to myself. I made my way to the bathroom. I then sat down, and took my dumps. I was then mortified, and was sweating all over when I realised something. I had finally figured out the message as I looked over to my side. “There's......no......toilet paper......”